How To Spend Your Sunday

Yesterday was Sunday. My husband and 10 year old son were bored. They wanted to do something. It was a beautiful sunny day, there's still snow on the field at my in-law's house. There were so many things they could have done with thier day. They could have spent the day riding the 4-wheelers and snowmobiles. They could have gone to the outdoor show at the Big E. They could have spent the day ice fishing in Vermont. It's only an hour and a half away and there's still 4 feet of ice. That's not what they did though.

No, my husband spent quite of bit of time searching the internet for directions on how to build a potato gun. And not just any potato gun will do. This one resembled a missle launcher. I only looked for a minute because when I saw that they needed a lighter, something in an aerosol can and the warning "DO NOT TRY THIS", I walked away. The boys will play and I can't stop it. Even if I say no, they will sneak off and do it. I've learned to pick my battles.

I kissed them both good-bye and prepared myself to spend the day at the ER.

An hour later, I get a  text. It's a picture. It was a typical hunting picture. Hunter kneeling next to the kill, holding it's head up towards the camera,  hunter's kid on the other side, smiling proudly at his dad. The kid is my son, the hunter is my husband and the kill is a coyote.

Home Depot didn't have all the parts for the potato launcher so they went coyote hunting instead.

I better get a friggin' coyote throw rug out of this.

Friday Rant

    I don’t feel good today and I’m easily irritated so I’m going to rant a little. I’m not usually so negative but today I’m letting my freak flag fly.

     I really hate my co-worker. Her Indian name would be Crazy Lady Who Needs Prozac but I’ll call her Ann. And she is part Native American so it’s not totally out there.

     On any given day, I get yelled at or berated for all kinds of things. Whatever is on her mind gets spewed out like vomit. It’s like watching The Exorcist. (She actually kind of looks like the possessed version of Linda Blair) This has been going on for about 3 years now. I am not going to pretend that I’m perfect and everyone else is just mean. I am not always the easiest person to get along with. I know that but she wins first prize for Condescending Bitch. She has come at me with everything she can think of but she doesn’t understand why I always come out smelling like a rose. Could it be that your incessant whining and bitching makes you sound like the teacher from Charlie Brown?

     One thing she enjoys is prodding me for days until I finally snap and then cries to my boss that I’m so mean to her. Poor me, everyone has taken advantage of me my whole life….Boo Hoo, cry me a river, lady. You brought this wrath on yourself.

     She’s not always evil. Sometimes she’s quite nice and the few times I’ve had my kids here, she’s very good with them. She can tell a funny story like nobody’s business but 30 seconds later, she will yell at me for opening the mail. How dare I do my job?

     She spends a lot of time looking for my mistakes and when she finds them, she goes running to my boss. There are three problems with this. 1) She isn’t getting her own work done because she’s so busy trying to take me down, 2) She makes mistakes too, mostly because she’s trying to take me down, 3) Usually, when she finds a mistake, it’s not really a mistake on my part but on hers. Case in point, yesterday she came in and told me that my boss would be talking to me about an order I took. She said the pricing was wrong. I triple checked it so I knew it wasn’t wrong. When Boss Man got in, he and I went over it and found that I, in fact, was correct. Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit!

     She likes to complain to anybody who will listen, customers included that I don’t do anything at work, that I am a kiss ass to my boss and I only work when he’s here. I am his assistant. Of course, I have more work when he is in the office since my job is to ASSIST him. She also gets viably upset when I do personal things for Boss and his wife. She apparently does not understand that he is my boss. If he tells me to shampoo the rugs in his wife’s car, than that is what I do. She tries so hard to tell me how to do my job but she doesn’t understand that until the day that her signature is on the bottom of my paycheck, she doesn’t get to tell me what to do.

     When she’s not trying to facilitate her evil plan to get rid of me, she is treating customers like dirt and then complaining that we need to pull in more work. Well, if you were nicer…I actually have several customers that will no longer deal with her. They ask for me specifically and if I’m not in for some reason, they will wait for me to return.   

. Here’s my inner bitch coming…Are you ready?

Poor Ann, do remember the convenience store my boss found you in? Straighten up or you will find yourself right back there again. I know why you lost that job at ABC Machine shop and it wasn’t lack of work like they told you. Bad attitudes are ok for 7-11 because people expect you to be rude but they don’t fly in the real world. You haven’t even finished high school and you are lucky to be making the money you are making now. I have an education past high school. That’s why I work 20 less hours than you a week and make almost as much as you do. I’m sorry your husband left you for another woman and that your current boyfriend is a selfish prick but you get what you settle for. I know when you look at your boyfriend you see dollar signs. You’ve never had expendable cash before and you really just want to be a housewife but the world is cruel and you have to stop playing the victim card. Nobody is a victim. You make your choices and you live with them. Sadly, you’ve pinned your hopes on a man that will never marry you. You cook, clean and do everything a wife would do now. Old cliché – Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free? Boss Man is not rude to you because he dislikes you. Boss man is rude to you because that is how you treat him. A person will only be polite for so long. Your constant complaints and nastiness have worn him down. He isn’t even being rude, he’s just done with you. If he had the capacity to train someone, he probably would have let you go a long time ago. Yes, you still have a job because training someone new is a hassle he can’t handle right now, not because you’re any good at it. The honest truth? You’re a washed up, miserable biker chick. I’m sure riding your Harley across country when you were younger was great but you are paying for your lack of direction now, aren’t you?

Ok, that was my Friday Rant. It felt good. Maybe I'll make it a regular thing.

A Day In The Life...

***Author's Note ***

Last week I wrote down all the questions that run through my head during the course of one day. I’m amazed that I get anything done.

Why do people spend incredible amounts of money on extravagant

Hotels? How much time do they really spend in those rooms? Buy a

Camper, it’s got everything you could possibly need and you get to have

all your own stuff. And a fire pit.

Why do people go out to eat at fancy restaurants? Don't get me wrong, I

like the occasional meal at a decent place but I don't plan my life

around when I can get a reservation.

Why are people so focused on the weather? We live in New England. 'Nuff

said.

What is it that makes some people less happy than others? I'm not

talking about the occasional bad mood. I'm talking about the perpetually

unhappy. If you have more than what you need, you're doing good. Even

if you have only what you need, things can't be that bad.

Why do people run red lights in front of cops? And why am I the only

one who gets pulled over for that reason? (FYI, I actually went thru

a yellow light. The cop only saw the red light)

Why do people who sit in judgment never get judged? And who gave

them the power to judge?

Why do horses bite? (Yes, they do) And why won't Clydesdales step on a

small child?

Why does my sister love to argue and why hasn't anyone told her to be a

lawyer yet?

Why do my kids only want to talk to me when I'm on the phone?

Why does my husband insist on dropping all his stuff on the counter

when I've given him 2 drawers and a basket to put it all in?

Why isn't there an age requirement when buying snowmobiles bigger than?

a 500cc? There are some boys out there who should NOT be allowed to

even sit on 900cc sled.

What happens if that lost cow we saw on Saturday can't find her way

home? She was kind of smelly. I wouldn't want to take her home.

Why hasn't the lady at work seen a shrink yet when it's so obvious she

needs to be medicated?

Why do people say "Oh, he/she changed"? No, they didn't. People don't

change, your opinion of them did.

Why won't my son put his clothes in the hamper? He throws them on the

floor next to it, but not IN it.

If it's beyond your control, why are you freaking out about it?

Why are some people so consumed with appearances and what other people

think? I am who I am and if someone doesn't like it, don't talk to me.

Problem solved.

Why is it that the people with the most opportunities are the most

miserable?

Why does my daughter think its fun to beat up her brother?

Why doesn't my son hit his sister back? I know we told him to never hit

girls but sometimes, she really deserves it.

How did I get such good kids? My Mother Of The Year Award went down the

toilet years ago.

Why do people still order checks through their bank? You can get the

same checks online for a quarter of the price.

Why is snow so ugly when it melts? Even the untouched snow in my yard

looks gross as it's warming up.

Why does it take Kensington Fire Rescue 8 minutes to respond to a call

a quarter mile away? Well, longer really. It took them 8 minutes to get

the fire truck out of the garage and pass my house which is closer than

where they were responding to.

Why do the tree hugging liberals want my guns? They won't shoot them

Why is ok for those same tree hugging liberals to eat ground meat from

a beef farm that treats their animals cruelly but it's not ok to shoot a

deer and eat it?

What is it about my "Don't Tread On Me" flag that upsets my neighbors?

Was this country not founded on that same principle?

Why won't my ex BFF stop asking people about me? She was the one who

didn't want to be friends anymore.

Why is my 6 year old daughter so evil sometimes?

What's with all the pinky promising lately? Even some adults are doing

it.

How are people seriously talking about Global Warming when we got 3

feet of snow in less than a month? It's a cycle people!!! The earth

does this every few thousand years.

Why do I get those nasty looks because I drive a full size SUV?

I can honestly say that my family needs that big vehicle. We go

camping, tractor pulling, 4 wheeling, ice fishing and snowmobiling. We

aren't going to luxury hotels and letting our kids sit inside playing

video games all day. I bet I leave less of a carbon footprint than

those people do.

Why are we letting the environmentalists run this country? They can

save all the wildlife they want but that still leaves thousands of

children starving right here in our own country. Let's kill the buffalo

and feed the kids.

If it's true that Alaska has a great supply of oil, why are we worried

about a few upset animals? There are millions of acres untouched by

humans in Alaska. The animals will find it and all will be right in the

world again.

Did I just get yelled at for opening the mail? Seriously lady, Prozac.

It works wonders.

What exactly is a carbon footprint anyway? I know the basic concept but

I wonder if this is just another thing that the tree huggers of this

world made up to freak us all out. 

Where is my pen? Yep, right where I left it.

Is it camping season yet? I wonder how my camper is doing. I miss it.

How loud does someone really need to listen to news radio? If I can hear

it in my office, over my radio, I'm guessing it's too loud or you’re too

deaf.

Who gives a crap about Justin Bieiber? He's either a girl or gay or

both. I don't get the Bieber Fever thing.

Why are Richard Petty's teeth so perfectly white? I wonder if they are

his originals. He has always had good teeth.

What happened to John Force? And why did they cancel his show?

Why do senior citizens insist on doing their errands when I'm on my

lunch break? They should only be able to do them from 9am-12pm and then

from 1pm-4pm. No offense but they have all day, I only have a half hour.

Speaking of seniors, why is it that whenever bad weather is predicted,

they go out for milk, bread and eggs? Is that all they eat? Come on,

pick up some ground beef or chicken, live dangerously.

Didn't anyone tell that guy that driving and talking on his cell phone

is illegal? Oh wait, that cop is about to. Yay Berlin PD!

For Goodness sake!! Green means GO!!!!

Why does my dad insist on snowmobiling when he can hardly walk for 3

days after? I understand his passion but I don't see anything worth

that kind of pain.

What is it about camping at the beach that my in-law's love so much?

There's no hook ups, the beach is dirty and over-crowded, and you have to

rent a fire pit, the campground is not that nice and you have to lock

everything up whenever you leave your camper. It's cheap but that's the

only good thing about it.

Why can't I eat venison? It smells really good but I just can't get it

in my mouth.

If I won't eat venison, why do I want to hunt? Oh right, I need to

shoot something.

When is that hunter safety course anyway?

I wonder who has a 30-odd 6 I can shoot. It's a big gun. Not sure I

should be trusted with it.

When did all the Chevy fans start buying Fords? Well, at least they

aren't buying Dodge.

A new snowmobiler goes into a Ski-Doo dealer and buys the fastest sled

he can get. Two weeks later, he kills somebody while riding too fast on

the trail. Who's to blame? The rider? The dealer? Both? I mean,

seriously, that's like handing a 16 year old keys to a Corvette the day

he gets his license. Go ahead, have fun, drive fast, turn left...

Who builds a luxury hotel on the Berlin Turnpike? Did they not notice

the one-hour motel and the strip club across the street? Ok, it's not 5

star but it's pretty nice for these parts.

Hey, crazy co-worker, I tried but I just can’t listen to your incessant whining anymore. Have you looked into that Prozac yet?

Why does my brain work this way? Will it ever stop?

The Bridge

I am standing on one side of a bridge. On the other side

is someone that I once put my full trust and faith into.

She used to be my best friend. Things have happened.

Situations got ugly. I know that we will never be friends

again and that is ok. I know who she truly is now and if I

had known that 3 years ago, we would never had been the

friends we became. She has opinions about me based mostly on

untruths and exaggerations that she made up in her head. My

opinions of her are based on all the back stabbing she has

done in the past year and a half.  I don't hate her. I am still angry

but mostly sad because of how things turned out. I believe

that we are both at fault for what happened. The problem is

that while I have taken responsibility for my part

of this, she will never admit she's wrong.

We are both holding detonators. It's a stand off. I can't

push the button. I don't see the point of destroying the

bridge. I don't want to be her friend ever again but our

lives intersect in so many ways that I just don't

understand why she would want to burn this bridge.

Friendship is out, but we need to co-exist peacefully.

She built this bridge. She built it for the sole purpose of

blowing it up. We never had a bridge before and now we do.

I shout to her. I want to stop the inevitable explosion.

When I look at her, all I see is pure hatred. I can

actually feel it radiating out of her. I don't really

understand why she hates me so. We both did things that got

us to this place. I place no blame on either of us and yet,

we are both to blame.

She looks at me and smiles. I think that maybe she has had a

change of heart. Maybe she sees what I do, that once the

bridge is burned, it can't ever be rebuilt. Why can't we

leave the bridge as is and promise to stay on our sides?

What if we need this bridge someday? I can't see the

friendship ever rekindling but you just never know what

might throw us back together again. Not in friendship but

as I said before, our lives have intertwining parts.

And then I see her reach for the button.

BOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!

As the smoke clears, she is still standing across from me,

smiling. She thinks she won the battle.

I walk away. I am crying, not because I lost the battle but

because I lost a friend.

Channeling Rosanne

I took a quiz on Facebook a while back pertaining to which TV husband
would be best for me. Dan Connor was my ideal mate. I wasn't
surprised by that because my husband is a lot like Dan and I like to
think that I'm a lot like Rosanne. I only have two kids and while the boy isn't really anything like DJ, my daughter is the perfect combination of Becky and Darlene. She plays baseball wearing a tutu and a tiara.

I love Rosanne Barr (or whatever her last name is now). I don't
always agree with her opinions but I like that she has the guts to
express them. Damn the haters! I like that she spent 9 years making America look in the mirror. I watched her show throughout it's run
and I still watch reruns whenever I can. I like the way she mothers
her kids. It's not politically correct and the kids didn't always do
what Roseanne wanted them to do but no matter what, she loved those kids and they knew it. That's the kind of mom I want to be, the kind of mom I strive to be everyday.

While watching her on Oprah yesterday, I realized that Rosanne playing Rosanne Connor was not an act. The woman she played on TV is a lot like who she is in real life. I don't think we'd ever see Rosanne and Dan running a macadamia nut farm or raising goats but she is the person we watched all those years. She's funny, loving, nurturing, and calm in the face of adversity. She does yell and scream but it's all done with love and some humor. She encourages her children (and now grandchildren) to be who they are, no compromises. She admits when she's wrong and tries to make it right but does not back down from what she believes in.

So from now on when I’m trying to cook dinner, do laundry, keep the house clean and the kids are driving me crazy, I'm going to grab some cookies, lock myself in the bathroom for a few minutes and ask myself "What would Rosanne do?"